When I think about my journey with Bangtan, one truth remains: you were my beginning.
In 2018, it was your In My Feelings dance challenge that slipped BTS onto my algorithm. I didn’t know your name yet and it was only years later, as an ARMY, that I realized the very first hand reaching toward me had always been yours.
And somehow, at every turning point, it kept being you.
In 2020, during the Dynamite dance break at MAMA, you were the one who made me pause and really look. About two months later, I came across the ON Kinetic Manifesto Film. You hit a syncopated move, playing with the beat instead of simply following it, and that was it. That was the exact moment something shifted in me.
I had been sinking in ways I didn’t know how to name, but Bangtan pulled me toward something brighter. And at the very beginning of that light was you.
Hobi, please know that I will always be here. For every step of hope, every leap of faith.
Thank you for being the first light in my ARMY story. 생일 축하해. 너무너무 사랑해.
despite my retreat to what felt like a relatively safe(r) space, i remained in sensory overdrive. my heart kept hammering against my chest, while the throbbing in my head answered ain contratiempo–off-beat, insistent. even my spine, from thoracic to lumbar, chimed in, as if my body were holding its own unwanted conversation. i haven’t had a reaction to emotional upheaval this visceral in recent memory. it wasn’t just discomfort. it was my entire being vehemently rejecting the imposition of something i had absolutely no interest in taking up. the response was so intense, i thought i might faint, or throw up, or both.
perhaps there are just some things i have neither the patience nor the tolerance to endure.
If I were to recommend just one OPM song to Namjoon, it would be “Ipanumpa Ko” by Oh! Caraga. Sung in Cebuano, it carries the weight of an earnest pledge to stay, no matter what.
It reminds me of the countless instances Namjoon has reassured us of the unconditionality of Bangtan’s love for ARMY. Whenever I feel myself beginning to unravel, I go back to his WeVerse Live on July 21, 2022 where he spoke with such sincerity and earnestness as he promised to support us in everything we do and to always be by our side.
I likewise think of his November 14, 2023 WeVerse Live where he reminded us that his embrace is big so we shouldn’t hesitate to come to him when we’re feeling down.
There’s also a verse that makes me think of how Bangtan calls out ARMY’s name at the start of every acceptance speech and mentions ARMY in every interview:
Aside from its message, I think Namjoon would also enjoy the earthy, indie folk rock vibe of the song, particularly the call-and-response energy and the intentionally rough-around-the-edges feel of the gang chorus. It’s the sort of song he can savor in solitude as he goes Namjooning, or perhaps share with friends at a gig or around a campfire.
And as someone who relishes wordplay, semantic layering, and sound symbolism, Namjoon would probably appreciate the paronomasia–in this case, shared sound but different meaning–in the verse where 𝘣𝘶𝘩𝘪 (to let go) is juxtaposed with 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘩𝘪 (life):
The same goes for the verse with 𝘥𝘢𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘱𝘢𝘯 (refuge), 𝘵𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 (shield), and 𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘣𝘢𝘯 (weapon) which builds to a crescendo from being a safe space, to offering protection, to being a source of strength.
To me, it feels like the kind of love that Namjoon (and Bangtan) holds for ARMY, and ARMY for him (and Bangtan)–steadfast yet ever-evolving. 💜
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*For the translation, I tried my best to strike a balance between remaining faithful to the lyrics and capturing their essence. I hope I was somehow able to do the song justice. 🫣
**I originally posted this in one of my BTS ARMY groups on FB but I wanted to keep a record of it here.
today i’m celebrating you with a chocolate mousse crafted with finesse akin to the kind that you pour into your writing: thoughtful and intentional, never heavy-handed.
watching your birthday live earlier, i was overjoyed to hear that you feel our love. that has always been my fervent prayer: that our love and support reach you and bring you comfort.
i don’t think i will ever be able to fully convey just how much your words–in your letters and your songs–have moved me. allow me to borrow the words of e.e. cummings:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear)…
…and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
that is what your words feel like to me. they stay with me, like a beacon of light when i feel lost or unmoored. and so i eagerly await BTS 2.0 and all the other versions you share with us in the years to come as we grow old together.
your authenticity, sincerity, and dedication to artistry set you apart. that is why your light continues to shine despite concerted efforts by others to dim it, why your songs move hearts and change lives.
as you continue to grow–both as an artist and as a human–know that whatever path you choose, i will be with you. count that as a constant.
i’ve been saying this for years but i feel compelled to say it again: you are love and comfort personified. your letters and your songs whisper warm words and quiet truths. they reassure my weary (and wary) heart that it’s okay to just be.
BTS first popped up on my feed in 2018 when I had just embarked on a new chapter, alone and far from home. A trending clip from the “In My Feelings” challenge caught my attention, though I wouldn’t realize until years later, as an ARMY, that it was j-hope. That one video nudged BTS into my algorithm, and just moments later, RM’s UN speech showed up.
“True love first begins with loving myself,” he said.
I was still trying to gather the broken fragments of what remained after finally having the courage to walk away from a life that had hollowed me out. For years, I had dimmed my own light—letting go of dreams, silencing my voice, and placing myself last (if at all). Still bearing invisible marks from suffering in silence for so long, I was shaken to my very core when RM said, “Speak Yourself.”
Though I had already begun the slow work of re-centering myself and redrawing my map, I still couldn’t forgive myself for taking so long to come to my senses. A part of me feared it was already too late—that despite everything I was doing to heal, I had been broken in ways that couldn’t be undone.
And then RM said, “These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life… I have many faults and I have many more fears, but I am going to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I’m starting to love myself gradually, just little by little.”
I may not have become ARMY then, but his words stayed with me. And from that point on, I tried—gently, albeit imperfectly—to be a little kinder to myself.
For a while, I managed to stay afloat. But eventually, I found myself unmoored once again—adrift in a different kind of uncertainty, struggling with self-doubt and hopelessness.
That’s when BTS made their re-entry—not just on the charts—but into my life. And this time, I finally fell into the rabbit hole.
Maybe it’s true what they say: BTS finds you when you need them the most.
I remember feeling like the world had passed me by—that everyone had moved on without me.
“Why am I here alone when everyone else is running?”
I broke down when I heard that line from “So Far Away.” For the first time in a long while, I felt seen—like someone understood the ache I couldn’t put into words.
Of course, becoming ARMY didn’t magically make my worries disappear. There are still days when the weight of expectations makes it hard to breathe. Days when I sit with a sadness that I can’t quite place. Even days when loving myself feels like an arduous task.
But having BTS in my life has helped me stay afloat. Their words and music have buoyed me up when I needed courage and strength, and gently held me when I needed solace and comfort.
Namjoon gave me a warm hug—“It’s okay to shed the tears”—and a gentle nudge— “but don’t you tear yourself.” Seokjin led me to realize that I, too, am “the one I should love in this world.” Yoongi showed me that even from the murkiest waters, I could still “bloom like a lotus flower once again.” Hoseok encouraged me to move with “courage and faith, rhythm of positivity” and to keep “walking into the future with a step of hope.” Jimin opened my eyes with “you should be your light,” letting me see that I didn’t need to seek validation from others. Taehyung taught me to hold on to the quiet hope that “in the end, spring will come someday; the ice will melt and flow away.” And Jungkook helped me reclaim the often-forgotten truth that I “don’t need no one to dance.”
But BTS didn’t just help me rediscover myself, they also led me to others navigating their own stormy seas. Through BTS, I’ve found a community: ARMY from all walks of life, each remarkable in their own way. And within that space, I’ve formed bonds that began with the shared joy of fangirling but grew into friendships rooted in mutual respect, empathy, and trust.
It started with a dance—j-hope lighting up my screen, unknowingly opening the door to the Magic Shop. RM came next, holding it open for when I was ready.
Over time, I’ve built a home in this safety zone I call the “BoraVerse.”
Indeed, j-hope was right: “Liking BTS was the best decision ever.”
Four years ago, at the height of ECQ restrictions, I joined a 15-day art challenge to help pass the time spent in isolation.
The theme for Day 5 was “The Future.” Things looked rather bleak at the time and I found myself just wanting to throw my hands up in despair. I had yet to discover BTS then but a quote by Alexander Pope sprang to mind: “Hope springs eternal.”
And so I set about making this origami sprout to represent a new beginning. 🌱
As fate would have it, j-Hope reeled me into Bangtanverse several months later with the show-stopping “Dynamite” dancebreak on MAMA and eventually into the proverbial rabbit hole with that jaw-dropping ON Kinetic Manifesto Film.
Coincidentally, my favorite track on Jack in the Box is “Future.”
“Courage and faith Rhythm of positivity Always, I need it too When I said I do Walking into the future With a step of hope (Future)… With courage and faith, I bet my hope on (Future)”
Looking forward to #HOPE_ON_THE_STREET_VOL1’s album release a few hours from now! 💜
You first wrecked me when, as a baby ARMY, I saw the Bangtan Black Sugar CF and the Daechwita MV back-to-back. You had me gushing as you did your magic in the kitchen and then had me headbanging as you rapped and moved with such swag and skill. It blew my mind that such a sweet gummy smile and smoldering stare (and smirk too!) could come from the same person. 🤯
Then I came across ” So Far Away” and the song touched something deep within me. I broke down and cried at “Why am I here alone when everyone else is running?” But at the same time, I felt seen and understood.
As a fellow introvert and foodie, I found myself gravitating toward you. The way you quietly cared for others, cringed shyly at compliments, and burst into mischief at the most unexpected times made my heart swell with such endearment. Your musical genius, sharp wit, and zero tolerance for pretentious nonsense, on the other hand, made me hold you in such high esteem.
And now that you’ve embarked on a new chapter, I eagerly wait, with bated breath, to see just what else you have in store for us in the coming years. I will be right here to cheer you on and support you.
I will forever be grateful to you for reeling me into Bangtanverse. It was your killer dance moves in that Dynamite dance break that initially caught my eye and made me want to get to know Bangtan. Then it was that syncopated move you made in ON KMF which pulled me into the proverbial rabbithole and had me watching one vid after another without even realizing the sun was already up the following morning.
Three days later, my baby ARMY self somehow heard about you going live on your birthday every year so I installed an app owned by one of the members (or so I thought 🤣) and got my first BTS V Live experience. I didn’t know about ARMY doing live translations then so I had no idea what you were saying at the time. But oh, how your warmth and sincerity shone through! I simply couldn’t help but fall in love with you. 🥺
It’s been two years since then and I have come to know more about you not only as an incredible artist but also as a phenomenal human being.
Your ability to see the big picture–coupled with your courage to paint it with such bold strokes that are so distinctly you–blows my mind every single time. And you do this while paying such keen attention to detail too! You really are amazing! 🙌
I could go and on about all the things I love about you but my favorite has got to be how you have such a big heart that overflows with love for those you hold dear and compassion for those in need.
It is my fervent hope that all the well wishes and love that we have for you will reach you and give you the courage, faith, and hope that you need as you take on new challenges.
I woke up this morning to news that Kim Namjoon’s album will be out on December 2nd, a day after my Namjoon-biased little boy’s birthday. Coincidentally, the album title is also the little boy’s favorite color. I just know he’s going to be over the moon when he finds out. 😊
Knowing Joon, the album title alone would have several layers of meaning. I wouldn’t be surprised if the wordplay comes in two or more languages.
The first thing I thought of was how indigo is ‘ai’ in Japanese. Love is also ‘ai’ (but it’s written as 愛 in Kanji while indigo is written as 藍). I find this utterly fitting because, to me, Joon is love and comfort personified. 🤗
In Korean, indigo is ‘namsaek’ and it’s written as 남색 in Hangul–남 like in Namjoon (남준) and 색 which means color. So indigo can also be interpreted as Nam’s color. 🤯
I also tried to think of how Joon must have played around with the English term ‘indigo.’ I’ve noticed that Joon likes to toy not only with what words mean (both in terms of what they denote and connote) but also with how they sound.
Now what I’m about to say next will probably seem silly (I haven’t had coffee yet, I’m sorry 😅) but I’m going to say it anyway: indigo sounds a bit like ‘and I go.’
And well, Joon has said that his album will be an archive of 2019-2022.
So it’s him saying goodbye to his twenties, him sharing with us ‘what has been’ before he rides off to the sunset (on his bicycle, perhaps) to ‘what is yet to come.’ 🥺
My little boy adores you. He even asked me once, “Mom, if I grow up to be like RM, how would you feel?” The question caught me off guard and I got choked up with emotion because I have always felt immensely grateful to Bangtan for being such positive role models for young people (my son proudly declares that he’s part of the Welcome Generation, by the way). While trying to hold back tears, I managed to respond that I would be so happy if he did.
When I asked him why you were his bias, he said that you were cool. He liked the way you carried yourself and the way you answered questions. These were the same things that first drew me to you. I could tell early on that you were one smart cookie–even before I learned about your 148 IQ.
When I began exploring Bangtan’s discography and looking into the lyrics, I came to appreciate your sexy brain even more. My IRLs can attest that I refuse to shut up about your genius lyricism. They’ve even memorized my saram to sarang ramblings. 😅 And now, I guess they have to brace themselves for my Sexy Nukim TedTalk. 😂
Joon, I hope you know that your music has brought me (and countless others) so much comfort. Reflection, Everythingoes, Forever Rain, and Moonchild, in particular, have kept me company in the most trying of times.
To me, you are love and comfort personified. Thank you and saranghae. 💜
a tentative tangling of tendrils 